Twelve Impossible Things Before Breakfast
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Crack pairings: four straight, four yuri, and four yaoi. Yeah. Ch. 3: LongshotJet, ZukoHaru, AangKoh, and SokkaLongshot. 'And then he kisses me. That is the last time I ever try to be friendly.'
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: "Come hell or high water Well I'm feeling hot and wet I can't commit to a thing Be it heart or hospital"

(An: This was written for Morlock's Twelve Impossible Things Before Breakfast challenge. Basically, take twelve crack pairings (four straight, four yuri, and four yaoi) and write drabbles about them. I love challenges like that.)

Dai Li Guy/Azula: "Remember Me"

"Do you all look the same?" the princess drawls, slouching in her throne and inspecting her perfectly manicured nails. "It's so dull."

"You could tell us apart if you tried. Most of us look different without the hats."

"But you never take them off," she points out.

"Not while we're on duty, your highness, no."

She glances at me. "Yes, well, I never see you while you're off-duty."

"No, Princess. I'm not even sure if you know my name."

"I don't," she assures me casually, "but it's only because you've never told me."

"It's San, Princess."

"How very generic." She yawns. "I'm certain I'll have forgotten it by tomorrow."

"Of course, Princess." I lower my head. I'm just one of dozens to her. Never mind that I'm only a year or three older than this terrifying, inspiring monster in front of me, unlike most of my comrades. I'm talented. Maybe not a prodigy like her, but better than most earthbenders my age. I want to impress her, make her remember me.

She'd think my desire is pathetic. She's probably used to men fawning over her. It's just how it works. She's Princess Azula, conqueror of Ba Sing Se, firebending master, the girl who can fill up a room by entering it. In a word, amazing.

But still really, really scary.

She props her chin on one fist and makes a "come hither" gesture with her free hand. "Closer," she says. She often pretends disinterest with everything; it's one of her tricks to remind one of one's place. I've never been one to pay much attention to that. I stride to the throne and clasp my hands behind my back.

"Yes, Princess?"

"Take off your hat."

"…Your highness?"

She frowns at me. "Do it, San." She sneers my name. "Or do you _want_ to remain just one of many?"

I blink, but I oblige her, now using the hat to occupy my hands.

She tugs my sleeve. "Closer," and now her voice is almost a purr. I'm frightened beyond belief, but I still wish she'd let me keep my hat on so I could hide that I'm also grinning like an idiot. She moves her hands from my sleeves to my collar and _pulls_ me closer. Her grin looks like a snake's.

"Tell me, San," she murmurs, "why are you named after the sun instead of the earth?" (1)

She kisses me before I can answer- I think the question was mainly to distract me. I'm going to get in so much trouble if we get caught, but hell, I'm not going to complain.

Smellerbee/Zuko: "Indifference"

They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Indifference has never been my strong point. As I stood before him, counting off all the people he and his nation had taken from me- even Jet; he may have been killed by an earthbender, but it was his obsession with Zuko that had gotten him captured in the first place- I couldn't keep the hate out of my voice. It allowed me to say all the names with perfect clarity: my parents, my sister, all the Freedom Fighters ever killed by the Fire Nation- which, of the core group, was now all but one.

Prince Zuko, though, _he_ had indifference down to an art. Even with my knife pressed to his neck, his eyes were cool, unlike the hands pinned to his sides. "It never satisfies you, does it?" he replied when I finished, panting and glaring down at him. "Revenge. Not really. I know."

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I pressed my knife down harder, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because he had a point. Why did he have to make sense now? Why did I have to listen?

And then he kissed me. Hate tastes bitter, but indifference tastes like loss.

Harula: "Princess"

"I hate you."

"No, you don't." He adjusted my shackles and beamed at me, putting me up on the ostrich horse in front of him. He patted my cheek before clicking his tongue to the ostrich horse. "Don't worry, Princess. We'll be in Omashu soon enough."

"You drive me crazy, at the very least."

"I'm happy to oblige, Princess."

That was the most annoying thing about him, except for his unshakeable cheerfulness- he never called me "Princess Azula". Always just "Princess", usually in a tone that wasn't respectful but not quite mocking either. I'd never heard him say my name, not once. I wanted to. It wasn't out of curiosity- never- it was just that whenever I would snarl, "It's _Azula_," he would just smile and continue calling me "Princess". I hate it when people disobey me.

That was more aggravating than his smile and the feel of his arms around me as he held the reins and his chest, hard with muscle, pressing into my back.

I kissed him, but it was an escape attempt. Hearing him say my name in a negating whisper that was half a desperate moan was just a perk.

Soru: "Nice Boys"

I've met a dozen just like him- handsome earthbenders from the army or on their way to join it, injured in this battle or that. Shy, painfully polite, helpful. In a word, _nice._

He's funnier than most of them, at least, making jokes about the burns on his arm. "Well, my hair didn't get singed, anyway. I'd be crushed."

I smile and say nothing, just continue to apply salve to his arm. Like all of the other boys, he'll be gone soon, and I used up all of my spare kindness on a boy who didn't return it.

"Do you know where I could buy food for my ostrich horse?" he asks, breaking across my thoughts.

"I have some," I reply quietly. "You can have it for free. Mine was stolen."

His green eyes turn sympathetic. I may be sick of nice boys (and boys in general, to be honest), but I still can't help but notice how lovely they are. Clear and bright, like a drop of dew on a leaf.

"It was my pet," I add quickly, tying a bandage around his burn. "Nothing important."

"It was important to you," he replies, with almost painful sincerity.

I smile at him then, a full smile; he's earned it. Besides, the one thing nice boys have in common with people like Lee is that they never come back.

O-o-O-o-O

I come home, and leaning against my fence is the boy- Haru. It's been two weeks since he left. He smiles at me and thumbs at my yard. An ostrich horse is cropping the grass. Unlike the one he brought last time, this one wears no military colors. "They gave me an extra one. I like traveling on foot better, so..." He shrugs.

I throw my arms around his neck, and when he kisses me, I let him. He may be a nice boy, but he's a nice boy with green eyes, a nice boy who brought me an ostrich horse, a nice boy who came back.

(The next chapter is the femmeslash one… It shall be up tomorrow. Please review?)

(1) San is Japanese for 'sun'. The "Dai Li guy" is actually a specific one- he's the guy who reported to Long Feng about Azula's rule. This is my crack!OTP, heheh.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: "We're the new face of failure Younger and prettier But not any better off"

(An: So this is the femmeslash chapter, and if you don't like that stuff… eh, you get the picture. Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday. I was busy. In case you can't tell, the Smellerbee/Toph is the longest drabble in this whole set… yeah.)

Azuloph: "My Kind of Girl" (1)

I glare at her; she glares back in my general direction. Bound to a tree like this, no part of her touches the ground. She complains of this, and the bark digging into her back, and the sap in her hair.

I listen, disinterested, until she shuts up. "Are you finished?"

"This rope is itchy," Toph replies. "What do you want?"

"The Avatar, what else?"

"_Who_ else," Toph insists.

I ignore that. "Tell me where he is."

"Why would I do that? Twinkle Toes, unlike you, has been nice to me. Even Meathead's nicer to me than you are!"

"Meathead?" yells our other captive.

"Sokka?" Toph gasps. Her tough facade flickers for only a moment, but I know we've chosen the right hostage. Ty Lee giggles and adjusts his gag. I don't want to think about why he wasn't wearing it.

I walk around the tree and lean against it, allowing her to see me. "We both need this, you and I. If I capture the Avatar, I can end this farce and go home to my father, my kingdom. If you tell me where the Avatar is, you can be free again, have your sight, your bending, your paramour."

In the background, the hostage squawks and starts to struggle again. "She's twelve! That's disgusting!"

"Azula," Toph says sweetly. "_Princess_ Azula. Could you come closer and repeat that, please? I was so worried about my _paramour_-" she draws that out, taking obvious pleasure from Sokka's second squawk, "-I could barely hear you."

I come closer and open my mouth, but she's gotten her hands free somehow, and I find my mouth has been smashed against hers. I'm too shocked to do anything, first by her unashamed movements and then by the heat throbbing in my stomach. Her fingers fumble in my hair, finding the razor-sharp flames that hold my chignon in place. She tugs it free and pushes me back. I stumble, my mouth still open to allow words that have deserted me. She uses my hairpiece to free herself and lands hard on the ground, trapping me in an earth cage. I recover myself and try to find a way out, but I can't help but think, _There's my kind of girl!_

Jin/Song: "Girl Talk"

She seems so shy- I guess she must be new here. She clutches her purse tightly, gathering it against her chest and keeping her eyes down. _She needs to relax._

I smile at her and fall into step beside her. She looks like a nice girl, dressed in the southern style. "Hi, my name's Jin."

She smiles back, still a touch nervously. She's been robbed, I decide. Or worse, although she doesn't look _that_ nervous. I hope she's not been raped; that would take the fun out of everything. "I'm Song," she says. Her voice is quiet and gentle, like a guiding hand in the darkness.

"Did you come in on the ferry?"

She nods, still shyly. She plays with her braid- she's not married nor betrothed. I guess they must actually pay attention to propriety in the South. That's no fun.

"Would you like to have a cup of tea with me? I know the best place in town."

Her smile widens a little bit, and for the first time, she meets my eyes. "All right."

O-o-O-o-O

Lee won't look me in the eye- that's all to be expected, I suppose- but what surprises me is that Song knows him. She favors him with a full smile. "How is your uncle?"

He won't meet her eyes or return the smile. "He's got tea. He's happy."

"So you know him?" I ask as we sit down.

She nods, smiling at her hands as if at a private joke. "His uncle made tea of the White Jade plant, and he came to me for assistance."

I start to giggle. "Really?"

She nods, looking up again. "How do you know him?"

I roll my eyes. "I went out with him once." I prop my chin on my fist and lean closer to her. She really is very pretty- those grey eyes are always smiling, even when her mouth isn't. "He wouldn't go out with me again. Said it was complicated." I roll my eyes. "Boys are so weird."

She nods, taking a sip of her tea. She's leaning toward me too. It's not the kind of lean when girls want to share a secret. Definitely not. That'd be too typical.

On impulse, I kiss her. I want to know what she tastes like when she's smiling.

Katara/Mai: "Benders"

She lazily balances a kunai on one finger, looking impossibly bored. "You really need to learn to fight without your magic water tricks," Mai drawls, inspecting the fingernails of her other hand.

"I wouldn't need to if you and your freakshow friend would just leave us alone!" I snap, trying to struggle out of my bonds. I'm getting flashbacks to the necklace incident, only then at least I was with a boy who was pretending to be interested.

Mai makes no such pretense; she sits on the grass and yawns. "Ty Lee had better hurry up. I think I'll go crazy with boredom." She looks up at me then, shifting the dagger from her finger to her palm. "Call my friend a freakshow again, and I won't bother waiting for her. Ty Lee's a ditz, but she's a good girl."

"Who can't go thirty seconds in a fight without hitting on my brother, even though he has a girlfriend!"

Mai shrugs. "She'd hit on you, too, if you gave her the chance. She's like that."

That confuses me, and I relax a little bit. "What do you mean?"

Mai yawns again, getting to her feet. "Well, you aren't exactly ugly," she replies, walking over to the tree I'm tied to. She props one hand against the bark above my head and leans in. Her eyes flick across my face, and she raises an eyebrow. "How do you get so tanned, anyway? I thought you lived at the South Pole." She reaches over and tilts up my chin. I'm tempted to bite her; the only reason I don't is because I know she's got a dozen sharper things stored in her sleeve.

"You still haven't answered my question." Truth be told, she's making me really nervous. Not because I think she's going to hurt me… I'm worried she's not aiming for anything as mundane.

"Ty Lee's not picky. She likes boys. She likes girls. She refuses to pick which ones she likes more. If this were her here, you'd have to be concerned for your honor, bender."

"My name's Katara!"

Mai sneers at me. "Bender."

That makes me angrier than anything else she could have said, despite that it's a title I've spent most of my life trying to earn. So I kiss her.

The really annoying thing is that she doesn't seem surprised. Damn. I was hoping it would help me escape.

She takes a step back, tucking the kunai into her sleeve with a nefarious grin. "You benders are all the same." She waggles a finger at me. "You should watch that temper of yours, girly."

Toph/Smellerbee: "Not the Same"

A battlefield. I suppose I'm lucky. I can't see all of the mutilated soldiers beyond the most basic shapes. It's why I'm sitting up here. The smells of burned flesh and the screams of the dying are bad enough; I don't need the clarity vibrations would bring.

At least the battle's over. My battle, anyway. No victor has emerged from the palace yet. I want to rush inside, screaming for my friends, but I know that my place is here, keeping any firebenders at bay. One soldier could turn the tide. I force myself to hop off my perch and check for any stragglers. I'm not looking for any allies; all of the Earth and Water soldiers have long since left to tend to their wounded. I'm glad that everyone I knew survived.

At least, I thought so. The huge doors swing open on a gust of wind. Katara and Aang stumble out, leaning on each other. I can hear Katara sobbing and calling her brother's name.

Speaking of, I can't feel his footsteps…

I pass my fingers over both of them to assess the damage; Aang guides me to a thick burn-turned-scar at the base of his jaw, Katara to her ripped clothing and bleeding side. When I've finished assuring myself that they're really alive, I turn to Aang. "Where's Meathead?"

Katara buries her face in Aang's shoulder. It's all the answer I need.

O-o-O-o-O

I didn't cry then. Katara said I was in shock. Now I can't stop. I found one of his shirts, and I can't pull my face away. It smells like him.

Katara and Aang have each other to cry to, and I had him. Bastard! Why did he have to die? I need him!

Suddenly, the room's too cramped- it's just a tent. I need stone. I need dirt under my fingers. I need room to scream at the utter unfairness of it all. Why did they take him? Anyone else I could have handled because he would have been there to help me through. Now what am I supposed to do?

I dash outside and tilt my face to the sky. He was always looking at it, always talking to the moon. It calmed him. Maybe it'll help me somehow, even if I'm not too sure what it is.

I feel the tears on my cheeks, blown away by the wind. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak. So I get really upset when I feel someone approach. I slip into an earthbending stance and growl, "You'd better find a detour to wherever you're going."

The person sits. "Relax. I hate when people see me cry too." It's Smellerbee…? Weird. What does she want?

I go back into a regular position but don't loosen up, wiping at my eyes. "What do you want?"

"Nothing." She pauses, and when she speaks again, her voice is thick with grief. "If there was one thing Longshot taught me, it was that no one should have to cry alone."

There's no use denying what I was doing, so I nod. "He didn't…?"

She presses a broken arrow into my palm. I wish I didn't understand these gestures so clearly; they hurt more, somehow, than hearing someone say, "He's dead." "Who-" she starts.

"Ponytail," I reply. It's her nickname for him. I can't call him by name yet, or worse, use one of my own monikers. That'd lead to something worse than grief- despair.

She makes a soft, understanding noise and tugs me down to her level, settling an arm around my stiff shoulders.

I lean against her; my mind flicks to another fallen friend, who first taught me it was all right to depend on someone else once in a while. "What really upsets is that they're going to tell me dumb stuff like 'He's in a better place', even though they know I'll be able to see him in the ground… if there's anything left to see."

"They say it's okay, but it never is," she agrees, her voice a weary murmur in the night.

I nod. It's too true. When I kiss her, it's just to offer back some of the comfort we both need. She doesn't resist; I doubt it makes much difference to her either way.

"Not the same, is it?" she whispers.

"No," I agree, shaking my head.

(I might end up extending the Azuloph… it amused me. Besides, Tokka is my saner OTP.)

(1) This and the Katara/Mai are parodies of the "Zutara" scene in "The Waterbending Scroll."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: "Thanks for the memories Even though they weren't so great He tastes like you Only sweeter"

(An: And this is the yaoi chapter… It was actually the hardest one to write. Crack!yaoi is hard to come up with because there are so many popular yaoi pairings.)

Longshot/Jet: "Similarities"

There's a sameness to them, the people I love. It's probably why I care for them both so much. They're both fierce, passionate, and they both need me more than they'll ever admit. Smellerbee needs me to help her ride out her fears and her anger at the world, herself, Jet. Jet needs me as an assurance that he's not the monster everyone takes him for.

It's easy to help Smellerbee, my dear mad wild girl, but Jet's a puzzle. He'll just come to me quietly in the middle of the night and whisper something, usually, "Are we still right?" You'd never guess by looking at him- outwardly he's so cocky it's almost ridiculous- but Jet has a lot of doubts about himself. He'd never admit it, though. Only to me, since I won't tell. Usually I nod. Usually he leans against me and whispers fiercely, "I thought so. Why don't I _know_ so?"

Sometimes he cries, and sometimes I assure him out loud. It seems to soothe him. He, again like Bee, is insistent that I should talk more. I don't know why. It's weird.

Now and then he'll kiss me, and now and then I'll allow it. I can see the need in his eyes, which never meet mine when he comes to me like that, and I understand. After all, we're three of a kind.

Zuko/Haru: "Shut Up"

"This is a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…" (1)

I am severely tempted to punch the prisoner through a wall. However, then Azula would get mad at me. Oh well. "Would you _please_ shut up?" I yell, whirling on him.

Haru pauses for a moment, his green eyes dancing wickedly. Then he draws in a deep breath and starts to hum the song instead. Off-key.

My eye's twitching. Dammit, I thought that ended when Ty Lee went home! "I can see why Azula didn't want to guard you anymore," I growl. "You're impossibly aggravating."

"Actually, it was me who asked for a different guard," Haru replies, attempting to prop his chin on his fist. It's a tricky thing to do in shackles designed to restrain earthbenders from moving their arms at all. "She kept making moves on me. It's creepy. She's like, what, twelve?"

"Fourteen."

"Same difference. It's freaky."

"I thought you were supposed to be quiet!" I cried.

"I'm quiet around Azula because the less I talk, the less she notices me. Usually. I'm loud around you because you're hilarious when you're angry." He beams at me.

"I could kill you, you know." I exhale a small stream of fire to remind him what I'm capable of.

Haru shrugs and looks away. "Don't you think that's what I may have been aiming for? I used to care about what other people thought, but now…" He looks back at me with a sideways grin. "Nope!"

I glare at him, not that it really has an effect. "Look, if you shut up, it would be better for both of us. I could probably find a way to get you in a regular jail."

"Why would I want to go to a regular jail? This place has better food. Besides, I've been on a ship once before. I hated it."

"Why do you assume it'd be a ship?"

"Isn't that what you always do with earthbenders? You know, the whole crush-their-powers-crush-their-spirits thing?"

I shake my head, giving him a weird look. "Where've you been imprisoned?" He names a town I've never heard of and smirks at my blank look.

"Do a little research," he suggests. "Jeez, what kind of Fire Lord would you make if you don't even know where half your troops are? Not that they're there anymore, but still."

Oh, that makes me mad. I storm over to him. "Are you _trying_ to antagonize me?"

He cocks his head, mulling this over. "Actually, yes."

"Well, it won't work," I reply.

"It seems to be."

I kiss him mostly to still those ever-flapping lips, but also to prove my point.

Aang/Koh: "Cycles"

"You Avatars are all the same," Koh sighs, peering at me from the roof of his cave. "So touchy about the ones you love."

I stare straight ahead, but it's a battle. "Show me where she is," I reply.

"Oh, she's right here," Koh replies cheerfully. "She never got much further than this cave, as a matter of fact."

I start. Thankfully, I have my back to Koh and thus time to compose myself. It's my fault Katara knew how to get into the spirit world, it's my fault for lingering, causing her to come after me, and it's my fault she knew to ask Koh for my whereabouts. But if there's one thing my Katara isn't, it's an actress. She's not good at hiding her emotions. I told her about Koh because I thought it would make a good ghost story! I didn't think she'd ever go looking for him. (2)

"What did you do to her?" My face is a blank, but I can't keep my fists from clenching at my sides.

"She's right in the back, Avatar Aang," Koh answers, still all cheerfulness. The Noh mask that is his favorite face seems to leer at me, even though it, like me, shows no emotion. Koh slips behind me, resting two of his millipede legs on my shoulders. I have to resist the impulse to shudder.

He tilts my head- it's the most disgusting feeling _ever_- and points. "There she is. She was waiting for you. She called your name right to the end."

_No! I can't be too late!_ "Katara?" I whisper. I can barely see her in the darkness of the cave, but she looks all right. But there's really no way to tell unless she looks at me… that monkey looked all right from the back, after all.

The girl in the back of the cave turns to look at me. Only there's nothing to look at me with. Her face is darkly tanned and devoid of features. "No…" I can't not say it out loud this time. "No!"

Koh whirls on me, but I've schooled my face to blankness again. I can't keep the tears out of my eyes, though. "Oh, Avatar Aang, I'm sorry… was she important to you?" He flicks to the face of my past life and smiles wickedly, then to that life's last love. "Well, life's a wheel, after all. You're the Avatar. You should know all about cycles."

"I do," I whisper. "Show her to me."

"If you really want it…" Koh's grin widens before he flicks to Katara's face. I almost cry out, but I can't let him have my face. I'm not done with him yet.

I leap at him and kiss the Katara face. I know it's Koh, but this is the only chance I'll ever have at it. At the same time, though, I take a bending stance and jerk my hands back. Airbenders don't kill, and waterbenders use their gifts to heal, not harm, but I'm not either. I'm the Avatar. Death is a part of every cycle, and it's my job to keep things spinning.

Sokka/Longshot: "Friendly"

I really, really wish Toph were here. She may insult me all the time, but she talks back. This guy doesn't. I know he can- he did under Lake Laogai, after all- he just won't. That's impossibly infuriating. "So… uh… nice weather we're having," I comment.

He shrugs. Absolutely noncommittal. Spirits, he's annoying! He could throw a guy a rope here! Where's that annoying chick he's always with? We may hate each other, but she _talks_, dammit.

"It's, you know, bright out, don't you think?"

He shrugs again.

Man! He must be the best diplomat _ever_ with all these non-answers. I've never been any good at negotiation. I guess that's why it's driving me so crazy. "You know, it's really hard to tell what you're thinking when you just stare at me like that." And he _is_ staring, been doing nothing but since I first attempted conversation.

"I don't know that it's bright out," he replies, "since I was too busy staring at you. Sleeveless." And then he kisses me.

That is the _last_ time I try to be friendly. Ever.

(The really long ones make me guiltier about the short ones… ah, well. Berate me for the crackiness of crack!ships!)

(1) Come on. You know they have a version of this in the Avatar world.

(2) It must be possible for norms to get into the spirit world somehow; Iroh did it, after all.


End file.
